Adapted from her LinkedIn article, “Bereavement and Work: 8 Tips to Take Care of Yourself without Significantly Impacting Your Job”, posted on 5/2/2021
Between February 19 and April 4, 2021, both my parents passed away, first my mother unexpectedly, and then my father after nine months of illness. During that same 44-day period, both my former in-laws, who I loved dearly, also passed away. Their individual deaths broke my heart. Their collective deaths nearly broke me.
Personal tragedies don’t check our work schedules before happening. So, how does one attempt to deal with personal losses – regardless of the magnitude – when The Work must get done? Here are some things I did and things I discovered that might help if you’ve lost a loved one:
1. Remember: Losing a loved one is traumatic.
Research shows that losing a parent changes you forever, psychologically and physically, regardless of your age and whether or not their death was anticipated or unexpected. It can lead to significant physical distress or can put your entire body at risk. Spousal loss/loss of a partner or loss of a child are also major sources of life stress and trauma. Recognize this. Understand how grief may impact you.
My mother died the day after my father was taken to the hospital. There wasn’t time to mourn my mother because I was too busy making funeral arrangements and caring for my father. I even continued to work an hour or two each day. I told myself that answering emails was something I could handle, but I wish I had allowed myself time to fully step away from work and acknowledge the wholly transformative event that was happening.
2. If you have bereavement time, take it.
Talk to your employers and check your employee handbook to determine how much time you can take for bereavement, and if you need more, ask for it. Our HR Director and supervisor encouraged me to take bereavement time and allowed me to take some extra time as they knew that losing 4 parents in rapid succession was not something you can recover from after a few days.
Also find out how the time can be used. Must you use all the bereavement time at once, or can you save a day and use it, for example, on the one-month anniversary of your loved one’s death? It may be time to rethink your organization’s bereavement policies.
3. Rely on your supervisor.
Develop a strong professional relationship with your supervisor. You don’t have to be their friend, but there should be enough trust that when they ask you how you’re doing after the loss of a loved one, you know it’s not a trap and a way to check on your job performance. Because of the trusting relationship I have with my supervisor, I am able to tell her if I need a day off or ask for assistance on a matter that I would normally do with little effort but is now plaguing me.
If you are the supervisor/ED/CEO/President, rely on other people on the leadership team, like your VP or Board President, to help you.
4. Get as much off your plate as you can.
Re-prioritize your work or shift responsibilities in order for you to take time to mourn and grieve the loss of your loved one. See if timelines can be moved or if deliverables can be changed. Also consider withdrawing from committees, at least temporarily, until you’re in a better place. My supervisor understood that whatever energy I had should be focused, so we prioritized my projects and determined what could be done by others and what could fall away. This is a good time to learn to say “no” to all the extra things you do that are outside your main duties and responsibilities.
5. Have systems in place so your team can keep going without you.
Develop systems that ensure a seamless continuation of work despite your absence. From the start I have jokingly told my team, “If I win the lottery and quit tomorrow, the work still needs to go on.” Though not perfect, our systems of communication are pretty strong. We know how to get a hold of each other, can identify when communications are urgent, and know what projects each of us are doing. We have weekly meetings, can see each other’s outlook calendars, and have access to each other’s reports or spreadsheets on our document management system. Without too much difficulty, one of us can cover for the other for a short period of time.
No one should be irreplaceable and the absence of one person at work should not shut down your team’s productivity. If you can’t take time off even to mourn the loss of a loved one, something is wrong.
6. Carefully decide what you need to disclose and to whom.
Find out how information about your loved one’s passing can be shared if you so desire. My organization’s practice is for the HR Director to send out an email informing everyone of a staff member’s loss, with their consent and with only the information they choose to share. It was important to me for people to know why I may not seem like myself and having someone else do this took a huge weight off my shoulder.
Decide who else, if anyone, needs to know. There is no right or wrong answer. Also, try to maintain the professional and personal lines that have been drawn with colleagues and coworkers. After my mother’s death and my father’s return home under hospice care, I responded to a kind “condolences email” sent by a coworker with a deluge of emotion. Though not irreparable, I made the mistake of reading the professional as personal.
7. Be kind to yourself.
A year ago, when NYS Pause first went into effect and we were all getting used to “WFH” and virtual schooling, a colleague mentioned, “It’s impossible to do everything well, so I don’t hold myself or others to that standard.” We are still in the midst of a pandemic, and we are mourning loved ones. We are allowed to lower our personal standards, that are often extremely high, and be okay with doing well-enough. Trust others will understand.
8. Seek help.
There is still stigma surrounding seeking help for one’s emotional health. But I urge you to consider getting help, especially if you think you may have complicated grief. At the time of my mother’s death, few people I knew had received the COVID vaccine, travel restrictions were still in effect, and hugs were things of distant memory. After a year of social distancing and spatial isolation, being alone had become my norm. With both my parents’ deaths, it has led to acute emotional solitude.
Contact your organization’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP) to find out about grief counseling options. If individual counseling isn’t for you, there are bereavement support groups or community grief support offered by organizations like Hospice, human services, or medical facilities. Taking care of your emotional and mental health is as important as taking care of your physical health. You will need both to excel at your job.